My Mental Cred Check (Part 1)
I intended to make this post about how dumb cred checks are, but – as I started writing – it became clear that I needed to dive into my own personal struggle with cred checks. With that foundation in place, I’ll spend some time next week discussing ways that cred checks is harming the hobby. And how we can eliminate them.
Okay. I know I’m a geek. I love RPGs. I’ve been playing them for half of my life and look forward to playing them for all of the remaining years I have left on this planet. And, if heaven is a place, I suspect I’ll be rolling dice in the afterlife. But, every time I sit down at the table, I struggle with the trueness of my devotion to RPGs a.k.a. my “cred.”
If I don’t know a rule or how a spell works, I immediately start to wonder: Do the people around me see this as proof that I’m “just a girlfriend.” Logically, I know this is ridiculous. Logically, I am aware that most people don’t think that about anyone, let alone about me. Yet, there it is. This persistent undercurrent of self doubt that whispers, “You’re not geeeeek enough to be at this table. Everyone is juuuudging you.”
I’d love to to blame it on general self-esteem issues, but – if you know me – you know I’ve got no shortage of confidence. That unrelenting stream of doubt is just not a thing.
So: Where’s it come from?
Years of being told that, because I’m a girl, I don’t know shit about games.
Back when I worked retail for WotC, I’d have dudes come in several times a week a point-blank ask me if we had someone around who actually knew about these D&D books. Um, yeah, dickface. Me.
When I run games at conventions and gamedays, I’m often treated as a novelty. I’ll admit to being a bit of an attention whore, so the occasional, “Dudes! Did you see that chick running Mutants and Masterminds back there?!” is kind of flattering. But you know what’s not? Being treated like I’m not smart enough to write and run games.
I’ve been asked if my husband made the pregens for me? If I actually wrote an adventure? Yes, jackass. I did.
Usually I can hand-wave that BS and go on with my RPG-loving life, but it catches up with me at the weirdest times. We’re playing Pathfinder right now and my character is a bard. I’ve never played a bard in 3.x, so I’ve got a lot of questions. When I have to ask, “What’s the difference between spells known and spells/day?” I get this pit in my stomach. “What if they think I’m dumb?” or “Man, I can’t ask my husband to explain it or I’m going to look like a fake.”
None of this has discouraged my love of RPGs. Instead, they’ve served to bolster my passion. It’s driven me to create #RPGchat, engage with the greater RPG community, and run all kinds of games at conventions and gamedays. And, man, with the number of women I see playing games and running games increase, I can see the tide turning.
Most importantly: Every time I play, I’m fighting off that self-doubt created by years of ridiculous cred checks and, I’m happy to report, I’m winning.
11 Responsesto “My Mental Cred Check (Part 1)”
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- Patience with Polyhedrals | The Gnoll's Den - [...] Liz over at Character Generation posted about her struggles with “geek cred.” This is, sadly, still a very real issue ...
I have the same thoughts in my head, mainly here online because though I love gaming, I don’t do enough of it. Heck, while clicking over to this article I was thinking ‘What’s a cred check?’ ‘Why don’t I know what it is?’ ‘Is it from some new game I haven’t played?’ I think we all just don’t like feeling like we don’t know something, especially if it’s something others know easily.
I go through this at work. After pounding away at a technical problem unsuccessfully, I’ll ask one of my co-workers for help. Always hoping it will at least take them a bit of time to solve so at least I know it wasn’t something quick and obvious.
The old adage of “women can’t run games” is right up there with “women cannot do comedy.” To which I point at Gracie Allen, Lucille Ball, Jane Curtin, my wifey and so many other women who are genuinely funny, have incredibly timing and have a great eye for HUMOUR. It’s silly, it’s tired, it’s frustrating.
So, I would love to play in a game that you ran. I have played in only a small number of games run by a woman, which is unfortunate but probably only because of the circles I run in.
Thank you for your article, I hope that perceptions change.
I think women are generally accepted around the table now a days, considering the hobby has become equal ground. I don’t think it comes down to men vs. women, but stuck up elitist vs. everyone else.
However, I do think the fad of Geek-Chic and “being geek” is in, it ruins all the hard work women gamers have done over the years to get their seat at the table and it still paints men in a bad light. When there is an overfill into any hobby the “cred” checks become more prevalent because people feel that their hobby/home turf is threatened. And that is against men and women.
I applaud you for weathering the stereotypes and breaking them, but I feel the new fad does you a disservice and men as well. When we have cosplayers dressing provocatively for the sole purpose of being provocative and not for the love of the game, and men still being portrayed as fat, basement dwellers…it harms us all.
We have to “prove” ourselves all over again. Just my two cents.
Turning smackdowns into counter-enthusiasm is an awesome life skill.
Monte posted a nice thing recently about how such interactions are somewhat transparent revelations of identity/thinking issues on the part of the checker. You’re probably like, DUH of course but there’s something to be said about immediately realizing “oh this is not actually about me but about you”.
I feel the same way but it’s a bit twofold. I like games but not enough to get really good at any of them. Being a casual gamer as a woman is hard because I don’t have the cred to back it up. I just want to learn, have fun and hang out with people as geeky as I am. It’s hard to do when you are feeling judged. Luckily I am in a good group that just wants to have fun and explain things until we get a handle on it.
I think the biggest issue is the superiority complex that comes with being a geek in general. We are so focused on defending our interests and protecting ourselves from others that we use elitism as a defense mechanism. If everyone could slough that off when in a group of like-minded people it would work out a lot better for everyone. After all, isn’t the idea to interact with other people? If we bring in more women and teach them how it’s done it will expand and diversify the fan base.
On that note, thanks for paving the way for those of us who aren’t as hardcore. People like you make us want to wade into the waters! Mad props!
I find posts like this fascinating (I also recently started reading Gaming As Women, which is more political). I’ve been RP gaming for about 33 years and I’ve never met a female GM. And in all that time I’ve only met one female player. So even though I’ve continually heard rumors about female GMs over the years I can’t confirm from personal experience that they really exist. Thus I’m not surprised that a lot of male players are so clueless about women gamers/GMs.
I hate the whole geek cred, gamer cred, and whatever you want to say cred. I like what I like, everyone should be able to like what they like. And everyone is gonna have questions sometimes. No one is born knowing what THACO is, how many hit points a black pudding has, how to use a Force Point, or what Karanar is. If you ever doubt someone’s cred at the table, take a long look in the mirror and check your own decent ass human being cred.
If I ever have the honor of gaming at your table, Liz, I’ll never do that. As a husband of a woman who typically stomps me at games, I can guarantee that. BTW, thanks for #rpgchat.
First, let me say how glad I am about the range of topics you and Lyndsay tackle on this blog. It is truly fun and informative to read every post.
I wish I could say that being a geek, with the fact that often that places a person, especially growing up, outside the main current of what goes on in school and society, I would always hope that there would be solidarity and support within the geek community. However, as dear to my heart as the community is, it is just made up of humans, and not all of them are good at being good. We judge and draw lines, and are prejudiced. This sucks. I hope people constantly speaking out like you help to break down these kinds of barriers in our the community. After being looked down on or condescended to for what we do and don’t care about and how we do and don’t act as geeks, I would wish that we would welcome with open arms anyone who was joining the tribe. But we don’t seem to do that so very easity as human beings, such that the outcasts have to create outcasts (no girls or no people of color or no LGBT or no storygamers or no grognards or no gamer to crunchy or too soft, or too whatever!!). I want to live in a world so that if someone wants to sit down and have fun with a game, that’s good enough. We have a long way to go. And as much as I want to be part of the solution, I bet more times than one, I have been part of the problem. I hope that is less and less the case.
Finally, I feel so much empathy for how you have described yourself feeling. I started playing AD&D in 1978 or so. I have probably been doing something related to roleplaying games for over 30 years. But I feel like my cred is expired sometime. I’m someone who used to play RPGs, but I don’t know the new games, new systems, new approaches (or at least I’m not confident about them). My “license” as a role player never “expires,” but sometimes that is the way I feel (expired). I want to feel that confidence that comes from sitting down at a table with folks who want to just have fun, want me to have fun, and who believe that I will add to the fun.
It can be hard to find, and sometimes I attribute to my “old cred” as much as any other excuse. Strange to feel so undercut about something that is so important and which I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Clearly, to me, you have all the cred you ever need, and you bank it too. I look forward to your follow ups to this. You always pick really interesting topics.
Thank you.
I have these same issues. Since my husband is equally a nerdy as me, we tend to do a lot of gaming and geeky related things together. And I almost always have a small amount of “girlfriend syndrome” in my head.
It’s almost like I feel I have to have even more cred than the guys I game with in order to be taken seriously, even if that isn’t really the case. It’s an issue of perception.
Just thought you should know you’re not alone. It’s tough out there.