A quick note about this post:
I adore Ed Greenwood. He’s a fantastic writer and an incredibly well-meaning dude. This retelling is meant to be in good fun, but is entirely true.
I hope you enjoy An Encounter with Ed Greenwood!
Once upon a time, two young gamers named Liz and Gertie were exploring the magical kingdom of the D&D Experience just before the release of 4e. It was a fantastic land filled with exciting experiences and creepy men with unshaven necks and brilliant red sweatpants.When the sun reached its apex, a call went out to visitors of the land: The famous Ed Greenwood was to have an audience. All were invited to come speak with him and he would provide, free of charge, a copy of his newest book! Eager to talk with the mystical Mr. Greenwood, Liz and Gertie scampered to his court! As the two timid girls approached, Greenwood’s beard glimmered under the fluorescent flights. His eyes twinkled under his bushy bangs.”Hello, Ed!,” exclaimed Gertie.”It’s nice to see you,” Liz said.
“How are you ladies, today?” the wizard-esque man asked.
Shyly, each girl responded that they were quite well and appreciated the opportunity to meet him.
Gertie smiled and said, “Ed, there has been talk of turning your Forgotten Realms into a film! Tell me, sir, what character would you play?!”
Reaching up to toss his hair, Mr. Greenwood giggled, “All the pretty girls!!”
Flutters of awkward laughter erupted from the mouths of Liz and Gertie.
“… or, possibly, the fluffer!” Ed continued.
Tears of hilarity began to stream from Gertie eyes and ran down her face. Ed reached out towards Gertie, offering assistance. “Shall I lick the tears off of your cheeks!?”
Gertie and Liz turned bright shades of crimson and the next few moments of conversation flew by in a blur of confusion and moderately creeped-out-ed-ness.
Liz’s mind spun, she could no longer comprehend the words that Gertie and Mr. Greenwood were speaking… and, when she came to her senses, somehow (really, I may never know how), Ed was speaking of his beard.
He tugged briskly on his silver strands. “My wife,” he said, “uses this as a tool.” Gripping his facial hair tightly, he pulled his head downward. “See. She’ll pull my head down and say, ‘While you’re down there…”
Grinning suggestively Ed surveyed the girls. Before that moment they had nearly composed themselves, but the flood of laughter could no longer be controlled. Quickly, they asked the man to sign their books and scampered off into the crowd.
Gertie and Liz left the presence of Mr. Greenwood… changed forever.